


Submerged

by hollyandvice (hiasobi_writes)



Category: Power Rangers (2017)
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, Gen, Mania, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-11
Updated: 2017-04-11
Packaged: 2018-10-17 12:57:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10594473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hiasobi_writes/pseuds/hollyandvice
Summary: He feels like. Like he should expect this by now. That he should know what it feels like. Know how to handle it. It shouldn't. It shouldn't. It shouldn't be this hard. This complicated. This difficult. He should have this down.Jason slips into the beginning of a manic episode. Trini helps him get back to level.





	

**Author's Note:**

> My bipolar disorder didn't really settle into ~~typical~~ bipolar until I was in my late twenties, so this may not be completely accurate in terms of how Jason would experience his bipolar disorder as a teenager, but it's the best I've got and it's what I needed right now, so ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ Total vent fic bc I'm up to my eyes i na manic episode rn and this is one of my ways of dealing.
> 
> This fic owes its existence to [mango-llama's](http://mango-llama.tumblr.com/) [neurodivergent rangers](http://mango-llama.tumblr.com/post/159285289703/not-a-choice-neurodivergent-rangers) headcanons.

He feels like. Like he should expect this by now. That he should know what it feels like. Know how to handle it. It shouldn't. It shouldn't. It shouldn't be this hard. This complicated. This difficult. He should have this down. He's the leader, the bossman, and he should. He should be able to handle this. Should be able to—

Instead, he's here, in the remnants of the gold mine, arms wrapped around his legs while his fingernails dig bloody ruts in his upper arms (he should trim them when he gets home) that send rivulets of blood down his arms while the blood stains his shirt and his jeans and the ground and it's blood everywhere blood blood blood and he's—

_Choking burning can't breathe can't see can't think it's going to swallow him alive and he can't—_

Find your body find your center find the words find the breath find something find something let it swallow you whole let it drown you whatever you have to do Jay Jace Jason whatever you have to do lead your team let them—

Not enough never enough never understand each other and it's not enough never enough he's going to get them all killed going to be the death of them going to let them all die just like he let—

Tighter tighter tighter wound tight like a spring and he can feel the way his breath doesn't quite fill his lungs but if he just holds on a little tighter a little longer maybe. Maybe. Maybe—

He lifts a hand to his face. He stares at the blood on his nails. Red. Red like his suit. Like a leader. Like him. Blood in his veins and in his mind. He's a killer. He'd have killed her, blood on his sword on his suit on his hands anything to keep them safe. He'd have killed her _did_ kill her slapped her out into the upper atmosphere and she's—

He blinks. There's a hand on his face. Someone facing him. His name, being uttered in low, careful tones.

He blinks again. A face. Coming into focus. Oh. Oh, he. He knows this face.

"Trini?"

His voice is more of a croak than real words, but her face goes flush with relief even at the slight sound. "Jace," she says relief in her tone. "Jace, thank god. How long have you been out here?"

He blinks again. How long? How long has he been here? How long has he been a ranger? When were they chosen? Were they born rangers or did they have to earn it? How do the coins know they made the right choice? How—

Tini slaps his cheek lightly. He refocuses on her face. Trini. Safe. Team. Friend. _Safe_. "Jace? You still with me?"

Jason opens his mouth, but words. Words are too hard. He nods instead.

Trini nods back. "Okay. Good. That's good. I'm gonna call Zack so he can—" Trini stops mid-sentence. Jason blinks again. Follows her gaze down to where his hand is clamped around her wrist. Shaking. His hand is shaking. Trini draws a slow, shaking breath. "I need you to let go, Jason."

Jason stares at his hand. Tries to will it open. Tries to loose his hand from her wrist tries to let her go tries to—

"One finger at a time, Jace."

He starts with his pinky. Uncurls it. It twitches, unused to being the only finger moving. Hasn't been the focus of this much attention since he was ten and perfecting how to throw a—

Ring finger. Ring finger next. He uncurls that too. His knuckles protest. He forces it to open up anyway.

Middle finger open and then it's just the tight circle of his pointer and his thumb and with a slow, deep breath, he uncurls them too.

Trini takes a slow, deep breath. "So. No Zack?"

Jason shakes his head.

"Okay. Somebody else? Kim? Billy?" Jason shakes his head again. "Okay," she says softly. "We can work with that."

She sits down next to him, keeping a hesitant distance between them. It aches and stretches and grows, leaving Jason blinking hard as he tries to—

An arm comes up around his shoulder, pulling him in close against Trini. "Come on, fearless leader. You're allowed to ask for help."

Jason stays quiet for a long time. He feels Trini's warmth seep through the places where their bodies meet. He lets the music from her headphones fill his ears.

The words are there, tripping over themselves in his mind but none feel right. None seem to mean what he wants them to.

And they have to be right. Precise. Perfect. He can't let this be misunderstood between them.

So he searches for them, carefully builds the sentences up until they're exactly what he needs to say.

"I feel like I'm going to fly apart." Each word is an effort, pushed past shaking lips and chattering teeth. He isn't sure when he got so cold, so stiff, but the second he realizes it his knee puts in a protest of its own. He straightens his leg out, massaging at the joint carefully. "I feel like. Like I'm being held together with spit and a prayer. I feel like I'm not going to make it. And I don't know why."

Trini is quiet.

Jason doesn't look at her.

Instead, he stares out over the town they had almost given their lives to try to protect, have fought for so many times since. House lights flickering. Headlights flashing. And then, far above them, starlight filling the darkness of a moonless sky.

When Trini finally speaks, it's with caution in her words. "Sometimes the things we feel don't have a reason. Sometimes the things our brains do don't make sense. And that's okay."

Jason shakes his head. Pauses. Collects his words again. Precision. Precision and care and words filed to a point so sharp they could be rapier or scalpel, tearing into vital organs to hurt or heal and he doesn't know which. "I don't get to make mistakes. I don't get to screw up. I'm the leader, Trin. I have to keep you guys safe. All of you."

Trini puts a hand on the side of his face, turning him to face her. "You may be the leader when we put that armor on, Jace, but out of it? Out of it we all look out for each other. We all look out for you. That's what friendship is about, or has that all been a load of shit you've been feeding us?"

Jason stares at her. There's a ferocity in her face, a stalwart conviction that he thinks he's always known was there, but never really seen. Never had turned on him like this. Never appreciated. He feels a smile creak its way onto his face. "Not a load of shit."

Trini nods once, sharply, and pulls Jason into a tight hug. The pressure of her embrace eases some of the tension in his bones, and when she starts to loosen her grip, he reaches out and holds on just as tight. He's not sure how long they stay that way, wrapped up in each other, but when he finally loosens his grip, she matches him inch for inch. When she draws back, she swipes at the tear tracks on his cheeks, and he laughs, letting her. "You don't always have to be the brave leader, Jace. We're more than just a team. We're friends. And we're not going anywhere."

"No," Jason says, leaning in to press his forehead against hers. "I should hope not."

**Author's Note:**

> [Come scream with me on tumblr abt these beautiful courageous dumb af teenagers.](http://hollyandvice.tumblr.com/)


End file.
